Manual for the Return of Library Books

Safety Instructions:


To maintain your sanity and secure your financial assets do not attempt the process of collecting library books without thoroughly reading the following instructions. Before beginning, ensure that you have all the necessary tools needed to complete the task at hand. Proper completion of this procedure depends on your ability to read minds, guess wildly, and acquire impeccable luck. You will be unable to utilize these essential abilities should you fail to comply with the warnings and cautions given.

DO NOT attempt this process alone.

DO NOT begin this procedure in the dark.

DO NOT undertake this operation any time before an hour from departing for the library.

NEVER start to find these books while in a foul mood.

DO NOT take more than the recommended dose of medications throughout the process, no matter how desperate you may feel.

Batteries are required for the operation of the flashlight.

Attempted use of the magic wand to produce actual magic could result in extreme cases of frustration, anger, disillusionment, and loss of property due to throwing the object as far away from you as possible.

Tools Required for This Project:


  1. Printed List of Checked Out Books
  2. Sharpie
  3. Eye Glasses or preferred sight enhancement tool
  4. Flashlight
  5. Water
  6. Pain Relieving Medication
  7. Chocolate
  8. Magic Wand (refer to warnings when in use)
  9. Library Book Bag – not pictured


Step 1: You will need to acquire a printed list of checked out books. While this step may seem archaic, I assure you the actual paper print out is essential. You must be able to cross off each and every book you find as you find them. This will insure that you do not skip over any books while looking at the list on a screen.

Step 2: Please make certain that you have an actual Sharpie, any other type of marking device will not suffice. Once you have found the book you are looking for, you will want to insure that all printed evidence of the book is completely erased. It will create a surprising amount of satisfaction to cross off each book.

Step 3: With the depicted tools for the project easily at hand, I suggest you begin in the place where the library books are *supposed* to be kept. As you already know, few books will actually be there, but it will encourage you to start in the correct place. If you do not have a designated place in your home for library books please do not read any further and go at once to create such a space. When the correctly placed books are accounted for, place them in the library book bag.

Step 4: Take a moment to hydrate yourself, check the batteries in the flashlight, and have a piece of chocolate. For the following steps, you will want to remain calm, patient, and prepared for endurance.

Step 5: The order of operation for this step is vital. Most cases of loss of mental capacity and financial stability are caused by attempts to complete this step in improper order. Remember, as you find each and every book you must cross the book off the list.

  • Ask your children where the books are. They will give varying degrees of vague answers which may or may not result in the actual acquiring of books.
  • Check each bedroom dresser, desk, and bed for books.
  • Look through the bookshelf reserved for books your family owns for any books of mistaken ownership.
  • Use your flashlight and look under the couch, table, chairs, coffee tables, and other furniture.
  • Look in family vehicles.
  • Check children’s back packs.

Step 6: Sit down and relish in all the books you were able to find. Rehydrate. Check the list again. Impossible as it seems, you will notice that at least one, most likely two elusive books have escaped your careful search.

Step 7: Wave your magic wand. Hope. Wash down the pain relieving medication with your last chocolate.

Step 8: Check every household appliance: the washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, fridge. Look behind dressers, under bed sheets and pillows, in closets.

Step 9: Repeat step 5. I know. You were thorough. Trust me…repeat step 5.

Step 10: See, you found one more didn’t you. Now, it is time for the hardest part of the whole process. Stop. Give up. This last book will not be found today or at least not before your library visit today. Go online and renew that one book, again. With any luck, it will not be your last renew available.


Please refer to your local library for warranty information.


4 thoughts on “Manual for the Return of Library Books

  1. If you reside in Indiana and are still missing one book please continue to step 11.

    Step 11: While returning all found books to the library request that the very kind and (mostly) conscientious librarian please check the shelf for the final missing book. This librarian will certainly find the missing book already returned and reshelved and will proceed to properly check in this book and remove any applied fines. Smile at the kind librarian and say “Thank You.” Repeat once a month.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I LOVE this post, Christy!! Vital information, I can tell! As one who has no children I will remember at least that this list of instructions exists!! Now I can google it!!


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